...a girl of many moods.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

From Gold

It's a lovely morning, we pack our bags, go out, turn on the car, realize the USB with road trip playlist is broken, but we're already on our way, there's no going back, so we just roll with it. I don't like to travel without my road trip playlist/my favorite music, but I always make the best out of every situation, so trust me when I say I was singing the whole way, which is like...3 hours drive. Hey, I was having fun, the people around me not so much - still traumatized.
Anyway, it was a pretty good day, made a few photos just for the sake of the outfit, filmed a video I had in mind for a while with one of my favorite songs, I was surrounded by water and waves, had a ridiculous amount of food and coffee... I even managed to watch the game for a bit, you know, Mexico-Germany ( yayyyy Mexico! ). All in all, pretty amazing day.

Until Soon.

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Monday, June 11, 2018

Mental health & personal struggles ~ the most honest post.

I was personally affected by some recent events ( celebrity suicides ) and I felt like writing this post down, once and for all.

There is a pattern when people have mental issues and struggles, and it's not sharing. Not sharing the feeling and the thoughts, for lot of reasons. People don't ask for help, mostly because they don't want to. Simple as that. In a mind where everything seems pointless, there is no point in sharing your thoughts. So, it's a vicious cycle. Sharing can also feel like complaining and sign of weakness, it can feel like you're bothering people, so 99% choose not to share. And it is what it is.
There is also the fear of not being understood, but also, when you say your struggles out loud, suddenly it feels like they lose value. When you say your issues out loud, compared to other problems that people and the world in general have makes it sounds meaningless and even gives you a sense of guilt. You question yourself do you even have a problem, or you're just sensitive and moody.

Another interesting fact is that people who have mental health issues and are dealing with, for example, depression, are very good in cheering other people up, because to them it feels personal.
It's like when a shy person interacts with another shy person they encourage each other to talk and act, because they know how the other person feels in that moment.
Depression is more than sadness. It's more of a despair and not being able to control your thoughts.
It takes away the answer to the question: why am I here & what's the point?
It's a hole.
Also, it has highs and lows, especially if you lead a certain way of life. Healthier life - healthier mind, but it's always there. It's this underlying feeling, that even when you are happy, and doing things, and your life seems great, you're a functioning adult, there's always something in the back of your mind.
One thought triggers another, one feeling triggers another, and it's a spiral that you can sometimes control, sometimes you can't. 

People who have these issues aro prone to destructive behavour, such as drinking, because it gives a temporary comfort, but then the side effects and when that comfort goes away, you are at an even worse place than before. It took me a while to understand this, so I quit recreational drinking few months ago.

I will try to explain my story through a timeline of events, but keep in mind, there's always more to the story, I cannot really go into all of the details, and there are some things that I don't wanna share, cause they are way to personal... maybe some other time.
Ever since I can remember I was always very quiet person, quiet kid, quiet teenager, quiet about my feelings. I don't share a lot with the people that are closest to me. I have a lot of friends, friendships that last for more than 10 years, but I still keep a side of me just for me. So I would always deal with issues on my own, which I guess made things worse. I was able to control my depressive episodes very well, until 2015. I have tears in my eyes only thinking about it, ugh.  So, 2015 - had a complete nervous breakdown. My grandpa died few months before, I had one exam left until graduation, which made me very stressed, but I also had health issues that made me very scared for my life, and the whole year was just really hard and I wasn't able to control it, like I usually did. So, I shut down. I wasn't able to eat, I lost weight, I wasn't able to sleep - I was sleeping roughly two hours every night for few months, which made me extremely exhausted, which made things even worse. Pills didn't work. I isolated myself, I got away from my friends and the internet for the whole summer, I didn't speak to anybody, I was just focused to get better, somehow. I couldn't listen to music, couldn't watch movies, I lost focus. I was completely hopeless. Nothing made sense. Suicidal thought give you some sort of relief. It's really hard to explain. My thoughts were so dark, I even asked my mom to sleep next to me cause I was sure I was gonna die in my sleep, for some reason. I was scared of everything. Later that year, when I solved my other health issues, I talked to a therapist, started reading books about mental health, and how to get better and I started seeing hope. Started doing yoga, which helped a lot. I wanna say completely, but with mental issues it's never completely done. There's always denial, there's always triggers when you least expect it. However, I managed to transform that negative experience in positive, became stronger and more aware.
I'm good now. I'm in control. But I always have this need to change things, to be active, so I don't fall in that hole again.
I go through phases. Last year, I felt like I was gonna crash again, so I packed my bags, went to work on a cruise ship, far from home, cause I felt it was the only way I'm gonna feel better and stronger. Being far from home, all alone, gives you a new mindset and you are able to work through some things. That's my way of dealing. It takes lot of work, effort and care for the mind to be okay.
This is why I always say we should be kind to everyone, we NEVER know what the other person is going through.
I used to have panic attacks and anxiety in public, around lot of people, I don't anymore, but crowds can still be a trigger for me not to feel comfortable. Being on my own is still the thing that helps the most, for some reason people stress me out.

* disclaimer: I do have some knowledge in this field, due to dealing with it my whole life, having people around me who go through the same, I have talked to professionals, and last but not least I did study psychiatry and psychology when I was in university, so this is not coming from just another girl on the internet sharing her experience. *

Anyway, this is just a long story short. I don't know if I wrote everything that I wanted, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. At the end of the day, this is gonna be understood only by people who are dealing with the same things. Moral of the story - just get help and take control of your own mind and life. It doesn't have to be medication and doctors, it can be yoga, it can be leaving your country, it can be isolating yourself, it's different for everyone. Every mind is different. Take control. Be good.

Until Soon.

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 Donna October ©

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